…and on the first day in the sealed tomb, Jesus awoke and invented chocolate. Yea, was it so good that He couldn’t control himself, and He ate so much of it that His tummy hurt. Though Jesus expected to rise on the second day, he had to spend the entire day recovering from intense chocolate shits.Bored and in pain, Jesus created a pet bunny from the sand and named it Easter. Had he not had the company of the bunny, he may not have gotten through this terrible diarrhea.Easter, having gone crazy from being in a sealed tomb inhaling diarrhea fumes for two days, took the chocolate shits and molded them into eggs.On the third day, the Romans did open the tomb to find it empty. A bunny walked out with a bunch of shitty eggs in its hands, but the Romans, being fixated on the man missing from the tomb, didn’t even notice. Though one of them did comment on a weird sort of sweet, nutty smell, it was attributed to demons or something and never spoken of again.Easter, coming back to his senses after finally getting some fresh air, decided to get rid of any evidence that he had created these shitty eggs. And yea, did he hide them in various places throughout Rome.In a strange turn of events, the children of Rome found all of the eggs, and being stupid children, put them directly into their mouths.And yea, was it gross. And yea, did Easter laugh for days.
We all know that the folks on the (left/right) have no idea what they’re talking about regarding (thing).
Every damned day, you hear the (left/right) talking points:
- We need to (do/not do) (thing).
- (Thing) is (right/wrong) and should be (outlawed/legalized).
- We should care (more/less) about (thing).
- Get your (thing) out of my (thing)!
- (Thing/person) (had sex/wouldn’t have sex) with my mother.
- The media are clearly biased (towards/against) the (left/right).
If only the (left/right) could step back and see things through our eyes!
Allow me to demonstrate, with basic logic, why each of these (left/right)-wing talking points are completely nonsensical.
We need to (do/not do) (thing)!
In (insert year), (person who represents values of [left/right]) saw that (thing) was (something that things do) and how it affected (group of people/creatures). (He/She/Other gender pronoun) saw fit to push legislation that (did a thing). Today, that legislation is largely responsible for our attitude towards doing (thing).
All I’m saying is, there’s a reason we (do/don’t) do (thing). Look it up, dummies.
(Thing) is (right/wrong) and should be (outlawed/legalized).
Before you (demonize/praise) (thing), take into account for JUST A SECOND that (thing) (causes/has been shown to have no correlation with) (activity that is [good/bad]). So why in the fuck would you (outlaw/legalize) it?
Do you want society to (fall apart/improve) because (thing that thing [causes/doesn’t cause])? Then we should definitely be (outlawing/legalizing) (thing) and not (legalizing/outlawing) (thing).
It’s only common sense.
We should care (more/less) about (thing).
Those fuckers on the (left/right) would have you believe that (thing) is (incredibly /un)important when it comes to matters of (whatever the fuck).
For the sake of (society/the individual), this is clearly a( very/n un)important matter that we (don’t even need to/should be) discuss(ing). If you treat (thing) with (such callousness/delicacy), then children will grow up (believing/not believing) (thing).
Do you really want that for our children’s future? Of course you (do/don’t)!
Get your (thing) out of my (thing)!
(Science/religious text) tells us that (thing) doesn’t belong in (thing). Try reading every once in a while, you dumb fuck.
(Thing/person) (had sex/wouldn’t have sex) with my mother.
Okay, I realize this is a delicate issue. We have to realize, though, that (thing/your mother) is (his/her/other gender pronoun/its) own (person/creature), and therefore (deserves/doesn’t deserve) respect.
Keep it civil, you prick.
The media are clearly biased (towards/against) the (left/right).
Well, clearly, if you look at (news [channel/publication]), you’ll see that they have (left/right) leanings. Just take this (article title/introduction) as an example:
“(Thing) (does thing) and (reaction of a group of people). (This and more at [time]/Continued on page [page number].)”
It’s like they’re not even trying to accurately present all sides of the story. They clearly don’t care about (thing people on the [right/left] talk about).
This is why it’s important to (read/watch) (a variety of/only one) (channel/publication)(s): (name of channel[s]/publication[s]). Only then will you receive an accurate representation of the truth.
So there you have it: in this age of (lies/truth), being in the (right/wrong) is (very easy/incredibly difficult). For the sake of the values of the (left/right), though, we have to keep fighting.
With your help, we can (win/destroy them all).
Whew. (Dodged/took) a bullet on this one.
“Will you spank your kids if you ever become a dad?”
It was one of a long chain of hypothetical questions that are asked on a regular basis by one of my coworkers. She was in the process of asking every single person in the room. I don’t know if it was to validate her own views on the subject or if she just wanted to get opinions because she was on the verge of spanking the fuck out of her little demon child and wanted to make sure that’s cool with the rest of us.
Regardless of her motivations, I had my response ready:
“Nah, I’d probably just drown ’em.”
Sadly, something else came up and the question was never asked of me. I was ready, dammit.
Disclaimer: I’m not a great person, but I HAVE NEVER AND WOULD NEVER DROWN CHILDREN*. Though these thoughts pop up regularly in my fucked up brain, they in no way represent my morality. In this case, I was merely trying to find a response so extreme that the conversation would cease, leaving me with some peace and quiet to concentrate on my book and ponder my constant existential dread.
Drowning children is probably wrong. You could just let them live instead. They’re gonna’ have a lifetime of problems, and that ought to be punishment enough. And if it isn’t, and they just keep getting shittier as they get older, maybe they’ll end up getting waterboarded by the government at some point.
Then you’ll look back at the possible mental anguish you could’ve caused yourself and the amount of effort you would’ve had to put into it had you decided to drown the kids.
And you’ll laugh.
“Life can be so simple if you just let the universe do your work for you,” you’ll think to yourself.
I feel like I’ve strayed from my original point, so I’d just like to conclude with the following:
Please leave me the fuck alone while I’m reading.
*I mean, “never” is a strong word. Who am I to say that a child could never bug me to the point that drowning them seems like the only reasonable solution? I’ve never had to be a parent before, but that shit looks irritating. All I’m saying is that other people have reached the child-drowning conclusion. Maybe I, subjected to similar conditions as these folks, would also find child-drowning to be an option. In my current mental state, though, drowning children seems a tad extreme.*
Hey, you! Do you like videos of stuff that was written? SURE YA’ DO!
Well this post is now available in video form. Check it out here:
It’s 2 in the morning on a Sunday. Most of the sane world is sound asleep.
Surprise, fuckers! 2 AM HAS NOW BECOME 3 AM!
Daylight Saving Time is already silly enough. The only argument that is remotely close to positive for why we should arbitrarily plop time into the future once every year in the dead of night is that it keeps the daylight within an average person’s normal hours of activity.
People could also just try waking up an hour earlier if it bugs ’em that much, but naaaaaah; let’s shift ALL OF TIME!
“But you just set your clock ahead an hour before you go to sleep. It’s not that hard!”
Fuck you. The time shifts at 2 AM. It is not 10 PM at 9 PM. We have officially decided: 2 AM is the time this should occur.
This is a meaningless, stupid time for a more meaningless, stupid thing to happen.
In conclusion: don’t forget to set your clocks ahead an hour when you go to bed on Saturday because fuck it.
How do you feel about Daylight Saving Time? It doesn’t matter since it’s gonna’ happen regardless, but post your thoughts in the comments!
If you’re reading this, you’ve probably fallen into a depression spiral again. Any of the following may apply:
- You’re not doing creative things because you think you have nothing unique to offer the world.
- You’re watching a lot of TV to kill time.
- You don’t exercise any more because, and I quote, “What’s the fucking point?”
- You’re playing more video games than usual because it feels like you’re not able to achieve anything tangible in real life. Dark Souls, though tough, is at least something you can conquer.
- This is the third day in a row that you’ve eaten an entire pizza for dinner and then followed up with $20 worth of candy and/or pastries.
- You’re not sleeping.
- You’re feeling no connection to any other member of your species.
Silly future self, don’t you ever learn?
Let’s go through these one by one to see if we can get this life of yours back on the right track.
You’re not doing creative things because you think you have nothing unique to offer the world.
Cut that shit out. Or cut that shit in. Whichever one means you should keep doing creative stuff.
Don’t straight up rip off artists that you enjoy, but quit focusing so intensely on originality. Create because it feels good to do so. Everyone’s creative output is pretty much entirely dependent on taste, past experience, and current emotional state anyway.
You’re watching a lot of TV to kill time.
I won’t lie to you; TV’s pretty fucking great. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some great storytelling, or watching something that’ll make you think, or even watching some shitty garbage as a distraction from the day-to-day nonsense of life. But I’m guessing you’re also saying “There’s not enough time in the day…” a lot lately.
You silly bitch.
There is no justifiable reason to watch an entire season of a show in one sitting if an overwhelming lack of accomplishment is making you feel like a total failure.
A single episode of most shows nowadays runs for at least forty-five minutes. Quit bitching about not being productive and use that time to be productive.
You silly bitch.
You don’t exercise any more.
Humans used to have to either forage for berries ‘n’ shit or chase animals with fucking spears to get food. Actually, a lot still do.
You are not one of these humans.
Your body still performs a lot of processes that would complement such a lifestyle, though. If you don’t at least move a little bit periodically, your body doesn’t know what to do with those natural processes and will freak the fuck out, making your brain feel weird.
I’m not even saying you have to pump iron or run twenty miles for no reason. Just move a little bit, you lazy prick. It’ll make ya’ feel better.
You’re playing more video games than usual because it feels like you’re not able to achieve anything tangible in real life.
Video games, much like TV, are pretty fucking great. Science has shown that they improve your hand-eye coordination, can alleviate depression, encourage perseverance, etc..
But playing tons of video games as an excuse to procrastinate from your real-life goals is bad. Don’t do that.
Sure, completing one more section of Dark Souls will make you feel like a badass.
But check this shit out:
Gwyn, Lord of Cinder, may be defeated, but wouldn’t you feel even more badass if you defeated that growing list of drafts? Or if you finished any one of the 100+ songs that you’ve started and left in a folder somewhere to die?
If you answered with a “No,” you’re probably lying to yourself.
This is the third day in a row that you’ve eaten an entire pizza for dinner and then followed up with $20 worth of candy and/or pastries.
You fucking monster.
I mean, once every week would probably be fine. But three days in a row? Seriously? AND you’re not exercising any more? And let’s not even mention how much this is destroying you financially…
Shame on you. Eat some vegetables and save your money, dammit.
Knowing you, though, the most likely reason that you’re on a hardcore carb and sugar binge is because:
You’re not sleeping.
For the love of all things holy, make sleep a regular thing. Quantity and quality of sleep affect every other aspect of your life. Not sleeping makes your energy-deprived brain do irrational things, like crave $20 worth of sugary shit on a daily basis.
On a side note, drinking 18 cups of coffee is not a suitable long-term alternative to sleep. Stop that shit.
Now onto the last thing.
You’re feeling no connection to any other member of your species.
Okay, I’ll go easier on you for this one. Mental isolation is a bitch.
Based on my past experiences as you, I can assume that you’re currently taking everything that happens to you personally. And every negative interaction with other humans you have seems to only further the narrative that you are utterly, completely alone in your thought processes.
Along with this, there may even be a sort of disconnect with your own past actions. Looking back, some of the shit you’ve done to people might seem overly dickish, and occasionally monstrous. You might not know what possessed you to do those things. It’s quite possible, you’re saying to yourself, that I am completely awful.
Please try your damnedest to remember, though, what it is to be a person.
Every single person in the world is a culmination of an entire lifetime’s worth of experiences that dictate reactions to the present. When combined with genetic and environmental factors, this means that sometimes you and people around you will do batty shit that doesn’t seem to make any sort of sense. Not even to bats!
Please forgive me for that last sentence.
Accept that people do weird stuff sometimes. Stop searching for similarities you share with other people. They’re already there, despite what you feel in the present. As evidence I submit the following:
- Do more creative things.
- Watch less TV.
- Move around occasionally, ya lazy prick.
- Accomplish things outside of video games.
- Mostly eat food that’s good for you.
- Everyone poops.
*For shame, you lazy prick!
“Enough fucking around! I’m gonna’ go be President of the United States of America! Also, we should make a place called the United States of America.”
–George Washington, twenty-fifth birthday
As we all know, twenty-five is that magical age when a person finally figures out the meaning of life and takes the most appropriate course of action to ensure a life lived to its fullest.
On June 10th, 2016, as the clock struck 9:50 PM on my recent quarter-centennial day of birthdome, I was endowed with a plethora of secrets and revelations previously unknown to my stupid, less-than-twenty-five-year-old self.
Most people, when provided this wealth of information, keep it to themselves, leaving those who are underage to continue to Magikarp their way through life.
Fuck that shit. Today I’m going to start to help you young’uns evolve so you can make people scared shitless of taking pictures near waterfalls for the rest of their natural lives (ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED – “POKEMON SNAP REFERENCE”).
So here’s a list of some of the revelations I received, ranked in descending order of importance.
REVELATION 1: Pooping at work saves tons of money on toilet paper.
Financial stability begins now! Take note that I’m not saying you should steal company time. If you happen to eat at times that promote regular bowel movements during work hours, though, not much can really be said about that. The only downside to this is that your workplace probably uses that cheap, painful, thin, garbage toilet paper. Just wait until you see the monthly savings and your asshole stops bleeding, though. You’ll stop caring right away.
It makes me sad thinking about how much money I spent on toilet paper pre-twenty-five.
REVELATION 2: Loneliness is cool.
All of those stupid hormones that make your body grow in your teens and early twenties tell you that you need to be around other people all the time. They’re lying. Once their influence lessens at twenty-five, you can start spending more time alone being productive and doing important things. Thanks to this hormonal freedom, I was finally able to do the extensive research necessary to compile this pie chart:
REVELATION 3: To climb the corporate ladder, you’ll need to get a little poop on your lips.
If you think this is a cynical opinion of the world, you’re wrong! Based on science, we now know that there is a linear correlation between how much ass you’ve kissed and your position within a company. Thanks to my previously mentioned increase in productivity, I was able to also compile the data necessary for this graph:
As you can tell from this data, it doesn’t matter how smart you are (or think you are). It’s all about who ya’ know and how much of their poop you’re dangerously close to consuming. According to rumors, many top CEOs have had chunks of their jaw hollowed out to hold a reserve of poop for emergencies.
That’s all for today. What you should be able to immediately take away from this so far is that poop is severely underrated and needs to be utilized efficiently for a better life. Stay tuned for part 2, in which we’ll explore some revelations that are less shitty.
Have you ever had a realization that hit you like a ton of bricks that had been thrown into a very large bag, lit on fire, shot out of a cannon into the orbit of a black hole, slingshotted around the black hole back to Earth, accelerated even faster due to the Earth’s gravity, collided with the Earth with enough force to leave the planet as an unrecognizable clump of rocks drifting through space, in the process obliterating all life (except yourself for some reason) and therefore destroying everyone you love and care about, leaving you drifting alone in the cold, dark vacuum of space with no hope of the life you had once lived ever being restored back to its former glory?
I have, too.
I’m turning 25 in a month. That is not very old at all, right? Shit, I mean…I still have another five years before I’m 30, which, according to everyone I’ve ever known ever, is the age at which people normally start freaking out about how old they are.
You know when you’re a younger lad, though, and you tell your older friends about things you do, and they ominously say something like, “Enjoy it while you can…”? Well…my body doesn’t work like it used to, and it seems that at least two of those “while you can” periods are already coming to an end:
- Food consumption
I used to eat two pizzas in one sitting and feel fine. Gummy candy? I ate that shit by the pound. Alcohol? A bottle of wine with dinner. Every night. An entire fucking bottle. My 18-to-23-year-old body was like a human trash compactor, able to handle anything I could possibly shove down my gullet. And because I’m a freak, I very rarely put on any noticeable weight. Not any more.
Now I eat half a pizza and need to lie down. One small package of gummy worms and it feels like my chest is going to collapse. One can of Bud Light with Lime (which is like the homeopathic medicine of beer) and I’m ready to fall asleep.
It’s like I had a time rift in my body that sent all the shit I ate in my early teens to my future self’s colon.
You know when older people are like, “Ow, my hip/back/chest/arthritis?” and you think, “Poor old person…”
I’m that old person now.
About four years ago, when I was twenty, I fell from ten feet in the air and landed on my ass. After a day of not moving much, I was okay.
Now if I sleep in a slightly different position than I normally do, exercise just a little harder than I’m used to, or turn my torso a little too quickly, my back hurts for a week.
So my sudden realization: as of late, I have been feeling old as hell.
I mean…fuck me. I haven’t even reached 30 and the slow, sure deterioration of my body has already begun. It makes me think that 40 is gonna be pretty rough.
On top of all of that, I didn’t even write this post to convey any kind of lesson or message. I only did it to bitch about my back pain. Sure, you can take something out of it (make the best of your early years, treat your body right, etc.), but my intentions were dogshit. Most people in their twenties are mentally terrible, so it’s possible I might grow out of it. But man…I’m disappointed in myself. I could delete everything I’ve written and start afresh, but my body hurts too much right now to care.
Anyway, for anyone who has felt the pains of growing older, what are some things that are drastically different from your youth? Post ’em in the comments, you old fucks!