If you’re reading this, you’ve probably fallen into a depression spiral again. Any of the following may apply:
- You’re not doing creative things because you think you have nothing unique to offer the world.
- You’re watching a lot of TV to kill time.
- You don’t exercise any more because, and I quote, “What’s the fucking point?”
- You’re playing more video games than usual because it feels like you’re not able to achieve anything tangible in real life. Dark Souls, though tough, is at least something you can conquer.
- This is the third day in a row that you’ve eaten an entire pizza for dinner and then followed up with $20 worth of candy and/or pastries.
- You’re not sleeping.
- You’re feeling no connection to any other member of your species.
Silly future self, don’t you ever learn?
Let’s go through these one by one to see if we can get this life of yours back on the right track.
You’re not doing creative things because you think you have nothing unique to offer the world.
Cut that shit out. Or cut that shit in. Whichever one means you should keep doing creative stuff.
Don’t straight up rip off artists that you enjoy, but quit focusing so intensely on originality. Create because it feels good to do so. Everyone’s creative output is pretty much entirely dependent on taste, past experience, and current emotional state anyway.
You’re watching a lot of TV to kill time.
I won’t lie to you; TV’s pretty fucking great. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some great storytelling, or watching something that’ll make you think, or even watching some shitty garbage as a distraction from the day-to-day nonsense of life. But I’m guessing you’re also saying “There’s not enough time in the day…” a lot lately.
You silly bitch.
There is no justifiable reason to watch an entire season of a show in one sitting if an overwhelming lack of accomplishment is making you feel like a total failure.
A single episode of most shows nowadays runs for at least forty-five minutes. Quit bitching about not being productive and use that time to be productive.
You silly bitch.
You don’t exercise any more.
Humans used to have to either forage for berries ‘n’ shit or chase animals with fucking spears to get food. Actually, a lot still do.
You are not one of these humans.
Your body still performs a lot of processes that would complement such a lifestyle, though. If you don’t at least move a little bit periodically, your body doesn’t know what to do with those natural processes and will freak the fuck out, making your brain feel weird.
I’m not even saying you have to pump iron or run twenty miles for no reason. Just move a little bit, you lazy prick. It’ll make ya’ feel better.
You’re playing more video games than usual because it feels like you’re not able to achieve anything tangible in real life.
Video games, much like TV, are pretty fucking great. Science has shown that they improve your hand-eye coordination, can alleviate depression, encourage perseverance, etc..
But playing tons of video games as an excuse to procrastinate from your real-life goals is bad. Don’t do that.
Sure, completing one more section of Dark Souls will make you feel like a badass.
But check this shit out:
Gwyn, Lord of Cinder, may be defeated, but wouldn’t you feel even more badass if you defeated that growing list of drafts? Or if you finished any one of the 100+ songs that you’ve started and left in a folder somewhere to die?
If you answered with a “No,” you’re probably lying to yourself.
This is the third day in a row that you’ve eaten an entire pizza for dinner and then followed up with $20 worth of candy and/or pastries.
You fucking monster.
I mean, once every week would probably be fine. But three days in a row? Seriously? AND you’re not exercising any more? And let’s not even mention how much this is destroying you financially…
Shame on you. Eat some vegetables and save your money, dammit.
Knowing you, though, the most likely reason that you’re on a hardcore carb and sugar binge is because:
You’re not sleeping.
For the love of all things holy, make sleep a regular thing. Quantity and quality of sleep affect every other aspect of your life. Not sleeping makes your energy-deprived brain do irrational things, like crave $20 worth of sugary shit on a daily basis.
On a side note, drinking 18 cups of coffee is not a suitable long-term alternative to sleep. Stop that shit.
Now onto the last thing.
You’re feeling no connection to any other member of your species.
Okay, I’ll go easier on you for this one. Mental isolation is a bitch.
Based on my past experiences as you, I can assume that you’re currently taking everything that happens to you personally. And every negative interaction with other humans you have seems to only further the narrative that you are utterly, completely alone in your thought processes.
Along with this, there may even be a sort of disconnect with your own past actions. Looking back, some of the shit you’ve done to people might seem overly dickish, and occasionally monstrous. You might not know what possessed you to do those things. It’s quite possible, you’re saying to yourself, that I am completely awful.
Please try your damnedest to remember, though, what it is to be a person.
Every single person in the world is a culmination of an entire lifetime’s worth of experiences that dictate reactions to the present. When combined with genetic and environmental factors, this means that sometimes you and people around you will do batty shit that doesn’t seem to make any sort of sense. Not even to bats!
Please forgive me for that last sentence.
Accept that people do weird stuff sometimes. Stop searching for similarities you share with other people. They’re already there, despite what you feel in the present. As evidence I submit the following:
- Do more creative things.
- Watch less TV.
- Move around occasionally, ya lazy prick.
- Accomplish things outside of video games.
- Mostly eat food that’s good for you.
- Everyone poops.
*For shame, you lazy prick!