Inspirational Quotes (Part 3)

Due to the wild success of my previous list of inspirational quotes, I’m back to inspire the ever-loving fuck out of you with some more magical words of wonder from my favorite thinkers.

“Be the change you want to see in the world, ‘cuz all deez mothafuckas around you is content to be pennies.”


“Chase your dreams like they stole your motherfucking money. Then beat them down like the punk-ass bitches they are.”

Ancient Chinese proverb

“The sky’s the limit, but you can’t breathe up there. And it’s cold as fuck.”

George Clooney’s long lost brother, Frank

“You may not have the power to change things you don’t like, but you can stare right into the fucking sun until you can’t see those things anymore.”

Frank Clooney’s long lost brother, George

“Sometimes ya’ gotta’ grab life by the balls and twist ’em until it cries, and then say ‘You will never fuck with me again, life!'”

Tony Robbins

“When life gives you lemons, eat the shit whole, peel and all, just to show life that you don’t fuck around with processed shit. Then throw out your cutlery. Stop preparing any meals. Only eat the shit you find on the ground. Commit, motherfucker!”

Alan Watts

“Never forget that the universe needs you for compost.”

Michael Jackson

“Life is like a box of chocolates: you probably shouldn’t eat all of life. And it’ll mostly be comprised of shitty things, but it shouldn’t be thrown away because someone gave it to you. It also doesn’t always come with a guide. And it’ll be gone eventually. Also, it’s great to smother all over your naked body.”

Tom Hanks

“You are you. That’s truer than true. But so was Hitler, and he killed a lotta’ Jews.”

Dr. Seuss

“Embrace your inner child: poop your pants.”


“Fake it ’til you make it. And if you don’t make it, at least you had fun faking it. If you didn’t have fun faking it, then you’re fucked.”


“You are one with the universe. Just like your garbage.”

Malcolm X

“Be like a lion: murder the shit out of pretty much everything you can.”


“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or wears you out over a long period of time ’til you die. Like AIDS.”


“Ask the universe for what you want, and the universe will make you do that shit on your own.”

The Secret

Hopefully I’ve managed to get you out of whatever existential funk you found yourself in prior to reading this list. If you liked this, you’ll probably enjoy my new Facebook page:

Which of these quotes most strongly resonates with you? What is your favorite inspirational quote of all time? Post ’em in the comments!


Outlast 2 Review-ish Thing

Let me start by clarifying that I don’t mean this to be a strict review or criticism of Outlast 2. If I were to arbitrarily give it some kind of score, it’d probably be a pretty decent one. The game is overall immersive and fills me with dread, with an intriguing, unnerving story and collection of characters at its base. That’s all I think I could really ask for in a game of this genre.

As of the time of writing this I have yet to complete the game, so reviewing it would be premature since I haven’t gone through the whole experience. As I assume anyone reading this probably hasn’t played or finished the game, I’ll be keeping this pretty much spoiler-free.

While I have had some heat-of-the-moment criticisms of the game, upon further thought I have changed my mind on most of them. The conclusion that I’ve reached is that the game can be pretty awful if you’re an overthinker.

Thanks to my brain purposefully making things more complicated than they had to be on several occasions, I ended up repeating certain chase and stealth scenes so many times that they lost any essence of horror. The dread I felt on the first run-throughs of these scenes quickly turned to frustration on repeated attempts, dulling my problem-solving ability and making me think the routes and solutions to these sections were something ridiculous. They never were.

I haven’t been able to discern whether the lack of intuition was due to my brain’s failings or the game’s.  Because I’m a fan of beating myself up mentally, I’m leaning more towards the former.

When it comes to repetition diminishing the feelings of horror you’re supposed to be experiencing, this isn’t something unique to this game, or even the horror genre as a whole. The reason I hesitate to form any of these opinions into an official criticism of the game is because I’ve come to realize that one of the major problems a horror game developer has to face is that gameplay has to be involved in the storytelling. Gameplay is necessary to get you immersed in the hardships and fear of the character, and some sort of threat has to be involved to do so (otherwise, you might as well just be watching a movie). Because the possibility of failure has to exist, horror-diminishing repetition is also extremely likely. Overall, Outlast 2 has managed to get over this major hurdle.

Most of us have seen some really shitty horror films or played some really shitty games that throw a jumpscare in every two minutes. If no time is taken to establish an atmosphere or sense of reason around the jumpscares, then the audience reaction is going to turn very quickly from “AAAAAH!” to “Ah, fuck off with this shit.”

This game has its fair share of jumpscares (RHYMES ARE FUN), but you can forgive it because the atmosphere is usually dripping with “Nope”ness. The same can be said of repeatedly having to play a chase or stealth section. In most cases, when you finally get through those harder bits, the game’s atmosphere is able to efficiently drag you back to the horror you felt the first time you played the previous section.

There are some scenes that didn’t quite have that impact, though, in which I found myself thinking “Oh. This shit again. Sigh.” Without giving away too much, once you get to the mines, in particular, there seems to be a lot of being chased by one type of enemy (albeit, a well-designed, scary one) with very little variation in gameplay. Run. Crawl under a thing. Jump. Squeeze through a gap. Rinse. Repeat. While this is par for the course in horror games, this section really starts to feel like it’s dragging on. The environment, while interesting in this section, can’t really be observed much or treasured because you’re running away from things all the time.

Overall, Outlast 2, though regularly frustrating, accomplishes everything a horror game should. It also does an excellent job of taking stereotypical horror concepts (such as being pursued by mutants in an isolated desert) and making them incredibly interesting.

Have you finished or started to play Outlast 2 yet? What do you think about games as a storytelling medium when it comes to the horror genre? Feel free to let me know or berate me in the comments!

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Easter, The Bunny

It’s important to take some time this Easter Sunday to remember what this holiday is really about, and there’s no better place to find this than this totally real quote from the Bible:
…and on the first day in the sealed tomb, Jesus awoke and invented chocolate. Yea, was it so good that He couldn’t control himself, and He ate so much of it that His tummy hurt. Though Jesus expected to rise on the second day, he had to spend the entire day recovering from intense chocolate shits.
Bored and in pain, Jesus created a pet bunny from the sand and named it Easter. Had he not had the company of the bunny, he may not have gotten through this terrible diarrhea.
Easter, having gone crazy from being in a sealed tomb inhaling diarrhea fumes for two days, took the chocolate shits and molded them into eggs.
On the third day, the Romans did open the tomb to find it empty. A bunny walked out with a bunch of shitty eggs in its hands, but the Romans, being fixated on the man missing from the tomb, didn’t even notice. Though one of them did comment on a weird sort of sweet, nutty smell, it was attributed to demons or something and never spoken of again.
Easter, coming back to his senses after finally getting some fresh air, decided to get rid of any evidence that he had created these shitty eggs. And yea, did he hide them in various places throughout Rome.
In a strange turn of events, the children of Rome found all of the eggs, and being stupid children, put them directly into their mouths.
And yea, was it gross. And yea, did Easter laugh for days.
So we must always remember the valiant sacrifice that Easter made to get Jesus through his painful diarrhea.

Not Taking Sides Here…

We all know that the folks on the (left/right) have no idea what they’re talking about regarding (thing).

Every damned day, you hear the (left/right) talking points:

  1. We need to (do/not do) (thing).
  2. (Thing) is (right/wrong) and should be (outlawed/legalized).
  3. We should care (more/less) about (thing).
  4. Get your (thing) out of my (thing)!
  5. (Thing/person) (had sex/wouldn’t have sex) with my mother.
  6. The media are clearly biased (towards/against) the (left/right).

If only the (left/right) could step back and see things through our eyes!

Allow me to demonstrate, with basic logic, why each of these (left/right)-wing talking points are completely nonsensical.

We need to (do/not do) (thing)!

In (insert year), (person who represents values of [left/right]) saw that (thing) was (something that things do) and how it affected (group of people/creatures). (He/She/Other gender pronoun) saw fit to push legislation that (did a thing). Today, that legislation is largely responsible for our attitude towards doing (thing).

All I’m saying is, there’s a reason we (do/don’t) do (thing). Look it up, dummies.

(Thing) is (right/wrong) and should be (outlawed/legalized).

Before you (demonize/praise) (thing), take into account for JUST A SECOND that (thing) (causes/has been shown to have no correlation with) (activity that is [good/bad]). So why in the fuck would you (outlaw/legalize) it?

Do you want society to (fall apart/improve) because (thing that thing [causes/doesn’t cause])? Then we should definitely be (outlawing/legalizing) (thing) and not (legalizing/outlawing) (thing).

It’s only common sense.

We should care (more/less) about (thing).

Those fuckers on the (left/right) would have you believe that (thing) is (incredibly /un)important when it comes to matters of (whatever the fuck).

For the sake of (society/the individual), this is clearly a( very/n un)important matter that we (don’t even need to/should be) discuss(ing). If you treat (thing) with (such callousness/delicacy), then children will grow up (believing/not believing) (thing).

Do you really want that for our children’s future? Of course you (do/don’t)!

Get your (thing) out of my (thing)!

(Science/religious text) tells us that (thing) doesn’t belong in (thing). Try reading every once in a while, you dumb fuck.

(Thing/person) (had sex/wouldn’t have sex) with my mother.

Okay, I realize this is a delicate issue. We have to realize, though, that (thing/your mother) is (his/her/other gender pronoun/its) own (person/creature), and therefore (deserves/doesn’t deserve) respect.

Keep it civil, you prick.

The media are clearly biased (towards/against) the (left/right).

Well, clearly, if you look at (news [channel/publication]), you’ll see that they have (left/right) leanings. Just take this (article title/introduction) as an example:

“(Thing) (does thing) and (reaction of a group of people). (This and more at [time]/Continued on page [page number].)”

It’s like they’re not even trying to accurately present all sides of the story. They clearly don’t care about (thing people on the [right/left] talk about).

This is why it’s important to (read/watch) (a variety of/only one) (channel/publication)(s): (name of channel[s]/publication[s]). Only then will you receive an accurate representation of the truth.

So there you have it: in this age of (lies/truth), being in the (right/wrong) is (very easy/incredibly difficult). For the sake of the values of the (left/right), though, we have to keep fighting.

With your help, we can (win/destroy them all).

Whew. (Dodged/took) a bullet on this one.

Re: Spanking/Drowning Children

“Will you spank your kids if you ever become a dad?”

It was one of a long chain of hypothetical questions that are asked on a regular basis by one of my coworkers. She was in the process of asking every single person in the room. I don’t know if it was to validate her own views on the subject or if she just wanted to get opinions because she was on the verge of spanking the fuck out of her little demon child and wanted  to make sure that’s cool with the rest of us.

Regardless of her motivations, I had my response ready:

“Nah, I’d probably just drown ’em.”

Sadly, something else came up and the question was never asked of me. I was ready, dammit.

Disclaimer: I’m not a great person, but I HAVE NEVER AND WOULD NEVER DROWN CHILDREN*. Though these thoughts pop up regularly in my fucked up brain, they in no way represent my morality. In this case, I was merely trying to find a response so extreme that the conversation would cease, leaving me with some peace and quiet to concentrate on my book and ponder my constant existential dread.

Drowning children is probably wrong. You could just let them live instead. They’re gonna’ have a lifetime of problems, and that ought to be punishment enough. And if it isn’t, and they just keep getting shittier as they get older, maybe they’ll end up getting waterboarded by the government at some point.

Then you’ll look back at the possible mental anguish you could’ve caused yourself and the amount of effort you would’ve had to put into it had you decided to drown the kids.

And you’ll laugh.

Life can be so simple if you just let the universe do your work for you,” you’ll think to yourself.

I feel like I’ve strayed from my original point, so I’d just like to conclude with the following:

Please leave me the fuck alone while I’m reading.

*I mean, “never” is a strong word. Who am I to say that a child could never bug me to the point that drowning them seems like the only reasonable solution? I’ve never had to be a parent before, but that shit looks irritating. All I’m saying is that other people have reached the child-drowning conclusion. Maybe I, subjected to similar conditions as these folks, would also find child-drowning to be an option. In my current mental state, though, drowning children seems a tad extreme.*

Hey, you! Do you like videos of stuff that was written? SURE YA’ DO!

Well this post is now available in video form. Check it out here:

Daylight Saving Time Is Dumb

It’s 2 in the morning on a Sunday. Most of the sane world is sound asleep.

Surprise, fuckers! 2 AM HAS NOW BECOME 3 AM!

Daylight Saving Time is already silly enough. The only argument that is remotely close to positive for why we should arbitrarily plop time into the future once every year in the dead of night is that it keeps the daylight within an average person’s normal hours of activity.

People could also just try waking up an hour earlier if it bugs ’em that much, but naaaaaah; let’s shift ALL OF TIME!

But you just set your clock ahead an hour before you go to sleep. It’s not that hard!

Fuck you. The time shifts at 2 AM. It is not 10 PM at 9 PM. We have officially decided: 2 AM is the time this should occur.

This is a meaningless, stupid time for a more meaningless, stupid thing to happen.

In conclusion: don’t forget to set your clocks ahead an hour when you go to bed on Saturday because fuck it.

How do you feel about Daylight Saving Time? It doesn’t matter since it’s gonna’ happen regardless, but post your thoughts in the comments!






Reminder to My Future Self

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably fallen into a depression spiral again. Any of the following may apply:

  1. You’re not doing creative things because you think you have nothing unique to offer the world.
  2. You’re watching a lot of TV to kill time.
  3. You don’t exercise any more because, and I quote, “What’s the fucking point?”
  4. You’re playing more video games than usual because it feels like you’re not able to achieve anything tangible in real life. Dark Souls, though tough, is at least something you can conquer.
  5. This is the third day in a row that you’ve eaten an entire pizza for dinner and then followed up with $20 worth of candy and/or pastries.
  6. You’re not sleeping.
  7. You’re feeling no connection to any other member of your species.

Silly future self, don’t you ever learn?

Let’s go through these one by one to see if we can get this life of yours back on the right track.

You’re not doing creative things because you think you have nothing unique to offer the world.

Cut that shit out. Or cut that shit in. Whichever one means you should keep doing creative stuff.

Don’t straight up rip off artists that you enjoy, but quit focusing so intensely on originality. Create because it feels good to do so. Everyone’s creative output is pretty much entirely dependent on taste, past experience, and current emotional state anyway.

You’re watching a lot of TV to kill time.

I won’t lie to you; TV’s pretty fucking great. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some great storytelling, or watching something that’ll make you think, or even watching some shitty garbage as a distraction from the day-to-day nonsense of life. But I’m guessing you’re also saying “There’s not enough time in the day…” a lot lately.

You silly bitch.

There is no justifiable reason to watch an entire season of a show in one sitting if an overwhelming lack of accomplishment is making you feel like a total failure.

A single episode of most shows nowadays runs for at least forty-five minutes. Quit bitching about not being productive and use that time to be productive.

You silly bitch.

You don’t exercise any more.

Humans used to have to either forage for berries ‘n’ shit or chase animals with fucking spears to get food. Actually, a lot still do.

You are not one of these humans.

Your body still performs a lot of processes that would complement such a lifestyle, though. If you don’t at least move a little bit periodically, your body doesn’t know what to do with those natural processes and will freak the fuck out, making your brain feel weird.

I’m not even saying you have to pump iron or run twenty miles for no reason. Just move a little bit, you lazy prick. It’ll make ya’ feel better.

You’re playing more video games than usual because it feels like you’re not able to achieve anything tangible in real life.

Video games, much like TV, are pretty fucking great. Science has shown that they improve your hand-eye coordination, can alleviate depression, encourage perseverance, etc..

But playing tons of video games as an excuse to procrastinate from your real-life goals is bad. Don’t do that.

Sure, completing one more section of Dark Souls will make you feel like a badass.

But check this shit out:why

Gwyn, Lord of Cinder, may be defeated, but wouldn’t you feel even more badass if you defeated that growing list of drafts? Or if you finished any one of the 100+ songs that you’ve started and left in a folder somewhere to die?

If you answered with a “No,” you’re probably lying to yourself.

This is the third day in a row that you’ve eaten an entire pizza for dinner and then followed up with $20 worth of candy and/or pastries.

You fucking monster.

I mean, once every week would probably be fine. But three days in a row? Seriously? AND you’re not exercising any more? And let’s not even mention how much this is destroying you financially…

Shame on you. Eat some vegetables and save your money, dammit.

Knowing you, though, the most likely reason that you’re on a hardcore carb and sugar binge is because:

You’re not sleeping.

For the love of all things holy, make sleep a regular thing. Quantity and quality of sleep affect every other aspect of your life. Not sleeping makes your energy-deprived brain do irrational things, like crave $20 worth of sugary shit on a daily basis.

On a side note, drinking 18 cups of coffee is not a suitable long-term alternative to sleep. Stop that shit.

Now onto the last thing.

You’re feeling no connection to any other member of your species.

Okay, I’ll go easier on you for this one. Mental isolation is a bitch.

Based on my past experiences as you, I can assume that you’re currently taking everything that happens to you personally. And every negative interaction with other humans you have seems to only further the narrative that you are utterly, completely alone in your thought processes.

Along with this, there may even be a sort of disconnect with your own past actions. Looking back, some of the shit you’ve done to people might seem overly dickish, and occasionally monstrous. You might not know what possessed you to do those things. It’s quite possible, you’re saying to yourself, that I am completely awful.

Please try your damnedest to remember, though, what it is to be a person.

Every single person in the world is a culmination of an entire lifetime’s worth of experiences that dictate reactions to the present. When combined with genetic and environmental factors, this means that sometimes you and people around you will do batty shit that doesn’t seem to make any sort of sense. Not even to bats!

Please forgive me for that last sentence.

Accept that people do weird stuff sometimes. Stop searching for similarities you share with other people. They’re already there, despite what you feel in the present. As evidence I submit the following:



  1. Do more creative things.
  2. Watch less TV.
  3. Move around occasionally, ya lazy prick.
  4. Accomplish things outside of video games.
  5. Mostly eat food that’s good for you.
  6. Sleep
  7. Everyone poops.

*For shame, you lazy prick!