Whoa, what was that last piece of shit I posted? I honestly don’t know, but I’ll attempt to elaborate on its sentiment.
As of late, I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of purposelessness that has been amplified by mood swings ranging from muddy depression to “fuck it.” I’ve managed to avoid a full-force depression spiral because the “fuck it” moods are regular enough for me to keep writing and creating on a weekly schedule. The depression usually happens when my extremely poor self-promotional abilities kick in and this happens:
While I’ve been creating content I genuinely enjoy, I am so far removed from the pulse of trendiness and any kind of business know-how that I have absolutely no idea what I need to do to make people give a shit that I’m creating things. Because of this, creation starts to feel a lot like I’m just shouting into a void.
I say something like, “Hey look! I fought my constant, crushing, existential dread by making this thing that reflects my values and/or tastes and thus is probably the most solid representation currently available of who I am as a person at this point in time!”
And the void replies, “……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..”
For it is the void.
During my “fuck it” periods, the silence doesn’t bother me in the least. The process of creation is pleasing enough by itself to have me look at floundering view counts and say, “Meh. At least I’m having fun making shit.”
When I’m in those depression periods, though, the silence kicks my overthinking into full throttle, and I come up with a myriad of reasons why what I’ve just made is a total piece of garbage. Comparisons to other, more successful people ensue. Then I browse social media for an hour and look at all the seemingly happier people living their lives. I wonder if not pursuing any attempt at a social life has doomed me to a life devoid of any real connection to the world. Has everything I’ve ever done been a waste of time and space? Should I just settle into obscurity and accept that I don’t really belong anywhere? You know what sounds great right now? Two pizzas. And a cake.
As the hopelessness fades, I usually start to think that maybe continued failure to meet my own expectations is my only real driving force to keep creating. Once I return to a “fuck it” mood, I start to create out of enjoyment again, and that sentiment disappears.
At some point, I’m sure I’ll figure out how to bypass the post-release depression stage of creation. Either that or I’ll experience some modicum of success briefly and go crazy when it ends. Or maybe a comet will crash into the Earth and none of this will matter much.
Maybe none of this matters much now.
AWKWARD ENDING SELF-PROMOTION
Have I mentioned that I’m terrible at self-promotion?
I make things in a lot of different media. If you’ve enjoyed my writings here, you might enjoy some of those other things. Here’s a few websites where I do stuffs:
I MAKE-A DA MUSICS: https://soundcloud.com/gustavostopher
I MAKE-A DA SILLY VIDEOS: https://www.youtube.com/Gustavostopher
I MAKE-A DA MEMES: https://facebook.com/Memestavostopher
I DRAW-A DA THINGS: https://gustavostopher.deviantart.com