Not Taking Sides Here…

We all know that the folks on the (left/right) have no idea what they’re talking about regarding (thing).

Every damned day, you hear the (left/right) talking points:

  1. We need to (do/not do) (thing).
  2. (Thing) is (right/wrong) and should be (outlawed/legalized).
  3. We should care (more/less) about (thing).
  4. Get your (thing) out of my (thing)!
  5. (Thing/person) (had sex/wouldn’t have sex) with my mother.
  6. The media are clearly biased (towards/against) the (left/right).

If only the (left/right) could step back and see things through our eyes!

Allow me to demonstrate, with basic logic, why each of these (left/right)-wing talking points are completely nonsensical.


We need to (do/not do) (thing)!

In (insert year), (person who represents values of [left/right]) saw that (thing) was (something that things do) and how it affected (group of people/creatures). (He/She/Other gender pronoun) saw fit to push legislation that (did a thing). Today, that legislation is largely responsible for our attitude towards doing (thing).

All I’m saying is, there’s a reason we (do/don’t) do (thing). Look it up, dummies.

(Thing) is (right/wrong) and should be (outlawed/legalized).

Before you (demonize/praise) (thing), take into account for JUST A SECOND that (thing) (causes/has been shown to have no correlation with) (activity that is [good/bad]). So why in the fuck would you (outlaw/legalize) it?

Do you want society to (fall apart/improve) because (thing that thing [causes/doesn’t cause])? Then we should definitely be (outlawing/legalizing) (thing) and not (legalizing/outlawing) (thing).

It’s only common sense.

We should care (more/less) about (thing).

Those fuckers on the (left/right) would have you believe that (thing) is (incredibly /un)important when it comes to matters of (whatever the fuck).

For the sake of (society/the individual), this is clearly a( very/n un)important matter that we (don’t even need to/should be) discuss(ing). If you treat (thing) with (such callousness/delicacy), then children will grow up (believing/not believing) (thing).

Do you really want that for our children’s future? Of course you (do/don’t)!

Get your (thing) out of my (thing)!

(Science/religious text) tells us that (thing) doesn’t belong in (thing). Try reading every once in a while, you dumb fuck.

(Thing/person) (had sex/wouldn’t have sex) with my mother.

Okay, I realize this is a delicate issue. We have to realize, though, that (thing/your mother) is (his/her/other gender pronoun/its) own (person/creature), and therefore (deserves/doesn’t deserve) respect.

Keep it civil, you prick.

The media are clearly biased (towards/against) the (left/right).

Well, clearly, if you look at (news [channel/publication]), you’ll see that they have (left/right) leanings. Just take this (article title/introduction) as an example:

“(Thing) (does thing) and (reaction of a group of people). (This and more at [time]/Continued on page [page number].)”

It’s like they’re not even trying to accurately present all sides of the story. They clearly don’t care about (thing people on the [right/left] talk about).

This is why it’s important to (read/watch) (a variety of/only one) (channel/publication)(s): (name of channel[s]/publication[s]). Only then will you receive an accurate representation of the truth.


So there you have it: in this age of (lies/truth), being in the (right/wrong) is (very easy/incredibly difficult). For the sake of the values of the (left/right), though, we have to keep fighting.

With your help, we can (win/destroy them all).

Whew. (Dodged/took) a bullet on this one.

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