Re: Spanking/Drowning Children

“Will you spank your kids if you ever become a dad?”

It was one of a long chain of hypothetical questions that are asked on a regular basis by one of my coworkers. She was in the process of asking every single person in the room. I don’t know if it was to validate her own views on the subject or if she just wanted to get opinions because she was on the verge of spanking the fuck out of her little demon child and wanted  to make sure that’s cool with the rest of us.

Regardless of her motivations, I had my response ready:

“Nah, I’d probably just drown ’em.”

Sadly, something else came up and the question was never asked of me. I was ready, dammit.

Disclaimer: I’m not a great person, but I HAVE NEVER AND WOULD NEVER DROWN CHILDREN*. Though these thoughts pop up regularly in my fucked up brain, they in no way represent my morality. In this case, I was merely trying to find a response so extreme that the conversation would cease, leaving me with some peace and quiet to concentrate on my book and ponder my constant existential dread.

Drowning children is probably wrong. You could just let them live instead. They’re gonna’ have a lifetime of problems, and that ought to be punishment enough. And if it isn’t, and they just keep getting shittier as they get older, maybe they’ll end up getting waterboarded by the government at some point.

Then you’ll look back at the possible mental anguish you could’ve caused yourself and the amount of effort you would’ve had to put into it had you decided to drown the kids.

And you’ll laugh.

Life can be so simple if you just let the universe do your work for you,” you’ll think to yourself.

I feel like I’ve strayed from my original point, so I’d just like to conclude with the following:

Please leave me the fuck alone while I’m reading.

*I mean, “never” is a strong word. Who am I to say that a child could never bug me to the point that drowning them seems like the only reasonable solution? I’ve never had to be a parent before, but that shit looks irritating. All I’m saying is that other people have reached the child-drowning conclusion. Maybe I, subjected to similar conditions as these folks, would also find child-drowning to be an option. In my current mental state, though, drowning children seems a tad extreme.*

Hey, you! Do you like videos of stuff that was written? SURE YA’ DO!

Well this post is now available in video form. Check it out here:


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